Actual or threatened violence to your children can be another way of controlling you. Some men, by abusing their power over the children, deliberately involve them in the abuse of their mother, causing confusion and distress to the children involved.

Violence at home can have an enormous impact on children.

Children are completely dependent upon the adults around them.

If children do not feel safe in their own home, this can have many negative physical and emotional effects.

Children will feel more secure with one parent in a stable environment than with two parents in an unstable one.

Children may feel powerless or guilty at being unable to prevent the abuse.

Some boys may copy their father's behaviour themselves. Feeling responsible for abuse to the mother is common, especially, if it follows some behaviour of the child.

Children can feel isolated and assume that their family is the only one troubled by abuse and violence.

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP

•  Talk to your kids - Be as honest as you can about the situation without frightening them. Reassure them that the violence is not their fault and that they are not responsible for adult behaviour. Explain to them that violence is wrong and that it does not solve problems.

Should you decide to leave and move into a Refuge:

•  Reassure them during the move - Explain to your children that the move does not mean that they will never see other family members, their friends or their pets again.

•  Help them adapt to life at a Refuge -   Our Refuge has a children's worker who will make your children feel safe and at home in the refuge and the majority of the time we will have other children staying at the refuge. There is also a playroom for children and the children's worker will arrange activities for the younger refuge residents.

•  Remember: Living in a refuge can be a very positive experience for children - They will have the opportunity to meet other children in a similar situation to theirs. They can talk about their experiences to each other and begin to understand that they are not alone.

If your child, or a child you know, tells you that they have been abused or have witnessed violence and abuse in their home, here are some guidelines to help you acknowledge their problem with them:

•  Listen carefully to the child and let them tell the story in their own time

•  Reassure the child that they are not to blame for what is happening at home

•  Show the child that you are concerned for them. Try to stay calm and not let the child see how shocked you are

Remember that children have rights. In our contacts section you will find the telephone numbers of agencies who deal specifically with children's issues.

Myth: My children do not know about the violence.

Reality: Even very young children remember the fear of witnessing violence in later years. Babies may show poor health, be irritable, cry a lot and have sleep problems which get better once removed from the violent situation. Many children recall overhearing abuse and have said that not knowing if their mother was alive was more distressing than directly witnessing the violence. They sometimes felt guilty for not intervening to stop the violence.

Myth: If social services find out about the violence in my home, they will take my children away.

Reality: Whilst it is true that social services will want to make sure that your children are safe, only a very small number of children are made subject of care orders and removed. Social workers will not take your children away, if they can work with you to make sure they are safe.